carnac the magnificent curses carnac the magnificent curses

In this memorable skit, Carson and Betty White stripped down to their skivvies to reenact the divorce proceedings for humanitys first couple. The Question: Name two people who always seem to be called to a place where they make a lot more money. , The Question: What would a lot of people like to do to Lady Gaga? Q: What did Yul Givens give after eating a prune tree? Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? His reign on NBC's Tonight show lasted just a few months short of . , Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop! A: Unleash. On one occasion frequently rebroadcast on anniversary shows, Carson's desk was replaced with a lightweight balsa-wood version; this allowed Carson to trip and smash through it. A: Crabgrass. The Johnny Carson Show. The Temple was destroyed, and Israel was left with neither kings nor kingdom. The Question: Whats the name of the hooker Clarnac took the prom during his senior year in high school? Q: Where won't you see Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor? May your platform shoes fail you in a camel pasture. Get Image May your only daughter take up with a yak of another faith. The Carnac character and routine also closely resemble Ernie Kovacs' "Mr. Q: What do you say when you want to get your Gung to stop? The character was taken from Steve Allen's essentially identical "Answer Man" segment, which Allen performed during his tenure as host of The Tonight Show in the 1950s. A: The diamond lane. station? The Question: What is the name of Trumps new Vodka? If you are of a certain age, you might yet remember Carnac the Magnificent, a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. ", Ed McMahon's favorite Carnac the Magnificent punchline[5]. Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistfull of peanuts. The Question: What did Rodneys doctor tell him when he asked for a second opinion? , The Question: Why didnt Mrs. Franklin have any kids? his neck? A: Deep freeze. I have been collecting some things that are kind of obsolete now. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. us? Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your divine and borderline mystical way will ascertain the questions having never before seen the answers. Pat McCormickwrote some of the zaniest Carnac material. Q: When should you plan on making a rest stop at a gas Maybe someday we'll have a cannonical list.-- Al Schwartz Pacesetter Systems, Inc., Sylmar, CAUUCP: {ttidca|ihnp4|sdcrdcf|quad1|nrcvax|bellcore|logico}!psivax!alARPA: ttidca!psivax!a@rand-unix.arpa. Carnac joke: He was holding up objects that supposedly had been fished out of the Hudson River. Jackie Lynch 242 followers More information The Answer: Dr. Ben Casey, Dr. James Kildaire, Dr. Doogie Howser, Dr. Marcus Welby, Granny Moses (Beverly Hills) and Dr. Anthony Fauci. Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. A: The Loch Ness Monster. "How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynic. The Answer: Big Ben, Dak Prescott, and a politicians campaign promises. Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants? Imgflip Pro Basic removes all ads. A: Ninety-nine and nine-tenths. [1] As Carnac, Carson wore a large feathered turban and a cape. As Allen acknowledged in his bookThe Question Man, this bit had been created in Kansas City in 1951 by Bob Arbogastand used onTheTom PostonShowin New York where it eventually ended up onThe Steve Allen Show, much to the surprise of both Bob and Steve. Curses, Curses, Curses . Q: What is it that Ronald Reagan keeps trying to hide? "Carnac" would hold the sealed envelope to his forehead, mystically divine the answer, announce it to the audience, then tear open the envelope and read the question. A: 2001. Q: What noise does Mr. McMahon's liver make? A: "Oh God!" A: You asked for it. As well, Eve was cursed that her husband should rule over her (see Genesis ibid), yet with the Womens Rights movement this has changed in a big way. CARNAC: May the swami of Bagdad squat on your fez. One of Carson's most well known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the east" who could psychically "divine" unseen answers to unknown questions. Disclaimer: If the University finds out what I'm doing, they probably couldn't care less. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. Line: 315 (Thats a Lady Gaga song), The Question: What are Caitlin Jenners measurements? A: Children under 16 not admitted unless accompanied by Reviewed in the United States on April 2, 2015. Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper? (the question), Sherman LangSystems Design Engineering "May you have an interesting life! ", "May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! Kitchy-Kitchy? CARNAC: May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion Q: Where is the American dollar headed? A: Gunga din. Dont break the concentration of the mystic from the East, or he will place a curse on you! Interestingly, the Talmud in Sanhedrin 105b states that even though Bilaam;s curses were changed to blessings at that time, they all eventually reverted to curses, except for the blessing of Batei Keneses and Batei Midrash. Q: Name the only two people who aren't sick of hearing (Joke only good for Central Mississippi folks). A: Chariots of the Gods. A: Head and shoulders. , The Question: What is the female version of Viagra? The Answer: Become a professional politician. hair". Story. This crowd would applaud for a train wreck. A: Groundhog. Q: Name three people who sell a lot of junk. Johnny Carson Carnac the Magnificent replica prop hat. nowadays. A: Fit to be tied. ", "It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God--but to create him.". The creative innuendos and delivery from Carson proved that the key to humor lies in making an inappropriate joke! Q: What do you do if a Chinese laundry ruins your shirts? The Question: Why do they lock gas station restrooms? ", Robert Bickford (r@well.uucp)================================================| I doubt if these are even my own opinions. Welcome once again, O Great Sage. Size: One SizeColor: Jumbo Gold/Purple Verified Purchase. The Question: How much did Clarnac lose on his 30 day diet? However, it was his allusion to the old college cheer that gained him the loudest and longest laugh of the night. Can't decide? A: "The Front." ", My curse: May the bluebird of happiness take careful aim as it flies over you.-- Dave Montuori (Dr.ZRFQ) UUCP: !decvax!mcnc!ncsu!uvacs!damUVa CS dept, C'ville, Va. CSNET: dam@virginia, "May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.". Q: What's the name of a drive-in massage parlor? Screenkey. A: Sale of the Century. The Answer: He unfollowed Putin on Twitter. CARNAC: May you be forced to visit a near-sighted The Answer: The Pinocchio Treatment and Recovery Center. Line: 478 Q: Name an Eskimo porno film. Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david? In his final message, Carson choked back tears while thanking fans for their continual support. A: Trapper John. A: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and Earl Butz. As a child of four can MORE OF THE BEST OF CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT. "Some sad news from Australia.the inventor of the boomerang grenadedied today. Q: Name three people who like to bomb. This was to some degree a variation on Steve Allen's recurring "The Question Man" sketch. "You Light Up My Life.". Function: require_once. So we see that as we get closer and closer to the Messianic Era when the world will go back to a perfected state, curses are reverting all around us just as the Vilna Gaon predicted. Diary of a Mad Baseball Coach by Rick Clarke, (Original and slightly used comedy by Rick Clarke), I loved Johnny Carson and his character, Carnac the Magnificent. May a crazy holy man set fire to your nose hair. KeyCastr. Q: What was the final score of the Jaws-Capricorn game? Description. A: Plumber's helper. I used a couple of small binder clips to make it snugger so it would not fall off. A: Bi-focal. If a joke bombed, Carnac went after the audience with all kinds of creative curses including, "May the Shah of Iran seek refuge under your sister's skirt!" . A: Green thumb. A: "Hi diddly dee." CARNAC: May a desert rat sunbathe on your radar range. Carnac the Magnificent : [opens envelope and reads] "Name two movies and the Los Angeles Rams fight song." Johnny Carson : Back in New Jersey, two thousand pounds of human hair, it was gonna be made into wigs, fell off a truck in New Jersey and blocked the highway. Positive reaction would prompt disbelief from Carnac, stating the ease at which he could make people laugh, such as "This audience would laugh at Dinah Shore backing into a meat thermometer." Commissary. May you be blessed with a son so smart he learns the mourner's prayerbefore his Bar-Mitzvah speech. QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his [applause]. , The Question: How do you say Fauci in Mandarin? Q: Name a Kristofferson. [+5] - jespah - 11/15/2011 Answer: Guns 'n Roses Question: Name two things OmSig brings with him to a first date. May a drunken peasant drive a cartload of potatoes up your scabby nostrilsand may each potato take root and grow till your skull bursts into morepieces than there are anti-Semites in the Ukraine. CARNAC: May a weird holy man use a Black and Decker tool on Im Carnac had a trademark entrance in which he always turned the wrong direction when coming onstage and then tripped on the step up to Johnny Carsons desk during his 30-year run on the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-1992). Q: Where does the line go outside an unemployment office? A: Jello and "Charlie's Angels." Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your May a toothless holy man give your grandmother a hickey. 2004 upper deck baseball cards. A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo. May a diseased yak leave a gift on your new carpet. Q: What does the Galloping Gourmet do during an earthquake? A: Fort Knox. , The Question: How did Marie Osmond lose 50 pounds with NutriSystem? Get Image May you get your first French kiss from a diseased camel. CARNAC: May an evil genie put splinters in your Aurora Return to Humor Page The Question: What was the third grade to Jackson councilman Kenny Stokes? . Thanksgiving? Ed McMahon would hand him stack of sealed envelopes with questions. I added more feathers, mardi gras beads and glue on fake jewels to . A: Timbuktoo. . "University of Waterloo - ancient Chinese curse. , The Question: What is the oath of office for all politicians? It is original material for the most part. A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday. May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your jock strap. A: Peter Pan. The character was introduced in 1964. A: An emerald, a screwdriver, and Chuck Barris. Q: What was dat hippie smoking? [8], Since the 1980s, Howard Stern has paid tribute to Carnac the Magnificent, with his own skit called Sternac the Improbable. Q: Who old do you have to be to date Princess Margaret? A: Pot luck. Q: What price will gas be if it's under a dollar? "What do you want to avoid doing when you shave her bocker? puppies and red-eye gravy. I unfortunately have not kept up with this particularfield, so can enlighten you no further.--, Craig Werner !philabs!aecom!werner "Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. The Question: What does Stacy Abrams call Tuesday? Ed: Welcome, welcome, a thousand welcomes. Key'n'Stroke. A: Ultra-conservative. Lot #220 ED McMAHON JOHNNY CARSON CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT HAT. Q. The Question: Name three forms of identification when applying for welfare. QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. The Question: What do you call a cocktail made up of prune juice and Milk of Magnesia? seats. The Question: Where did Jen Psaki go when she resigned as Obidens Press Secretary? "May Yule Gibbens eat your pine trees!" CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT ED McMAHON: Heaven has no brighter star than our next stellar guest, that omnipotent master of the east and former manicurist to Howard Hughes, Carnac the Magnificent. #10. A: Ransack. We have in the building tonight that great visitor from the East. cleanup team? Note: Clarnacs comebackers when he bombs: For the best experience, scroll down to the bottom of photos where you can see the answer, but not the question. A: That darn cat. A: "Gung Ho!" (Crowd applauds) #10. 200 views, 3 upvotes. Q: What do you say when calling your quat? The Question: What are Kim Kardashians measurements? The Question: Name the only three people in the world making any money off going green. , Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. A: Never on Sunday. Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your Mouse over chart for play descriptions. I note with amusement the "Fuck Your Feelings" crowd's epic hissy-fit stompy-foot meltdown over the fact that I referred to Trump's "Diaper Valet" in a tweet yesterday. The Question: Describe how marriage is a 3-ring circus? ", -- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------Rudy Rumohr Jr. 3339 N. Charles St Apartment 1-ALUUCP: ihnp4!whuxcc!jhunix!ins_armr -or- Baltimore, MD 21218 seismo!umcp-cs!jhunix!ins_armr -or- allegra!hopkins!jhunix!ins_armrARPANET: ins_armr%jhunix@wiscvm.ARPA. . Its hard to divine when you cant see. So I created my own character, CLARNAC the Magnificent and created my own material as a tribute and for my own amusement. A: Cheetah, Leon Spinks and the American taxpayer. Q: Name a lord, an award and a fraud. Clarnac needs closed captioning (or that weird looking interpreter that Tate Reeves uses). May your only daughter take up with a yak of another. Is that about right, sir? A: Flypaper. . eyes? A: The eye of a frog, the wing of a fly and the throat of a girlfriend. (Crowd cheers) #10. , Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. A: Ironware. , The Question: Where do you go for a drive-through facelift? Click image to enlarge. Q: What's a drink made with dry sack and prune juice? ANSWER: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and Earl Butz. Q: What did Jimmy Carter's mother call his first baby a #2 mayonnaise One of the most memorable audience insults came after the Philadelphia 76ers swept the Los Angeles Lakers in the finals to win the 1983 NBA Championship, when Carnac retorted, "May Dr. J slam dunk your cat." [1] Q: Name a chimp, a champ and a chump. ft. coverage regular price $109.95 Calendar & Tip Sheet January Calendar January Tipsheet Marty's Acre Drinks on the Acre February 13 - 5:30 PM The 2nd Monday of every month we invite you to join us on location at Marty's Acre to talk gardening and enjoy a selection of brew chosen by Marty. , The Question: Whats the name of Madonnas latest hit single? The funny story above is a satire or parody. A: Planter's Punch. QUESTION: Name a Kirk, a Turk and a jerk. . . How to Curse in Yiddish} by Joe Singer.Some of my favorites: May you sweat in labor a hundred and sixty years, then give birth to anice turle-hedgehog-porcupine. A: Pipe dream. A: Keep your eyes on your prize. Today, that number is 1 in nearly 50,000 in many Western countries! A: A nine foot base with two feet of powder. Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. | Replica prop, Johnny carson, Johnny Explore Men's Fashion Men's Accessories Men's Hats Uploaded to Pinterest Johnny Carson Johnny Carson Carnac the Magnificent replica prop hat. Line: 208 A: WKRP In Cincinnati. The Answer: I didnt think I had enough gas. Sometimes Clarnac has to leave quickly. (crowd cheers). A: Damnation Alley. A: Kumquat. Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo? A: Rocky, Network and The Silver Streak. Carnac the Magnificent: [Holding the envelope to his head] Shogun. Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. The Question: How tall would Clarnac have to be for his current weight to be his ideal weight. A: A full moon Ed: (Ed points to the nearest exit and hands Clarnac the first envelop and says) Envelop number 1. If a joke (often a very bad pun) generated a negative response, Carnac would give a disapproving look, then cast a comedic "Middle Eastern curse" upon the audience (such as "May your favorite daughter be featured in NFL Films' Sack of the Week", "May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi", "May you walk a mile under a diseased camel", "May a demented deer lock horns with your daughter's Kawasaki", "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person seated next to me, and may his arms be too short to scratch", "May a diseased camel be sick on your prayer rug", or "May your proctologist be a frustrated concert trombonist"). The Answer: No more years! CARNAC: May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub. may your mother stop receiving her child support checks fromthe pittsburgh steelers front four. Along the theme of reverting curses, there is a fascinating mesorah (tradition) handed down from the Vilna Gaon (1720-1797) that all the curses that mankind was cursed after Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, will be reverted and changed back to normal at the end of time, except for the curse of the Serpent, who represents the evil force of Amalek, and whose curse shall remain in place until his utter and total destruction. A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente. A list of Carnac the Magnificent puns! Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? . The Question: Whats the name of Bidens black, female affirmative action nominee to the Supreme Court? Q: Name a focal that goes both ways. Amazon's Choice for carnac hat. Is that a reptile? Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand? Get Image May your prize bull hate cows. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically"divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. Function: _error_handler, File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/application/views/page/index.php A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea. A: Tail of Two Cities. Q: Name an address Anita Bryant will never have. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. [2] As Allen acknowledged in his book The Question Man, this bit had been created in Kansas City in 1951 by Bob Arbogast and used on The Tom Poston Show in New York where it eventually ended up on The Steve Allen Show, much to the surprise of both Arbogast and Allen. May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup. The Question: What is Pete Buttigiegs favorite planet? juice? A: 2001. Eds Intro: Ladies (if any) and gentlemen. Another that I heard last night on the syndicated "Carson's Comedy Classics": "May the Swami of Baghdad squat on your fez", "May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister! share. BILLINGSGATE POST: Johnny Carson was the very best. JOHNNY CARSON'S MAGICAL BEGINNINGS. A: Mount Baldy. A: England, France and Greece. Question Man". In article <9@psivax.UUCP>, a@psivax.UUCP (Al Schwartz) writes. Q: What should the oil companies' new slogan be? A: "Leave it to Beaver." kaleido? The Question: Clarnac hit a fat lady with my car. Forum Novelties. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. , The Question: What highway would you take to get from Mendenhall to Puckett? , The Question: What is the most compelling reason for a mask mandate? shorts. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. "May your finger get stuck in your nose, and the nail continue to grow", (I have forgotten the origin of this one). Q: Name three movements. and Supermanreplies "Johnny Carson, 1967" to which Lex remarks "Right. Q: Name a leak, a Greek and a freak. The Answer: Howdy Doody, Jerry Mahoney, and Joe Biden. the Denver Nuggets. Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles? , The Question: Who is the biggest conservative in the Republican Party? A: SAG Strike. 4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars (164) $23.99 $ 23. A: Superbowl. Q: What will you get if you ignore a trucker's blockade? A: Rosy red cheeks. The act involved a variation of the magician's billet reading trick: divining the answer to a question written on a card sealed inside one of the envelopes, announcing it to the audience, then tearing open the envelope to reveal the question. No more years! . Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? A: Eleven. Murine? Next. Q: What do you call getting slapped around by a German king? Although Bilaams curses were many, all of the other curses - save the one for Houses of Prayer and Study - eventually came to pass. My question to you net.joke-sters out there: What is the funniest "ComedicCurse" you have heard? , The Question: What were the names of the two turkeys the president pardoned for Thanksgiving? Function: view, File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/index.php